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The View From Tanyard

TVFT- Sept 26-08

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, you find out you haven’t. I was listening to a talk radio show the other day. A guest on the show was a representative from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). These kooks are not my favorite people. They have elevated all animals to the same level as humans and think the rest of us should afford these animals the same rights that you and I have.

We do agree on one thing though. We both think there is a special place for animals. I just happen to think it is on the plate next to the mashed potatoes. However I digress.

The kook on this particular program was explaining PETA’s stand against Ben and Jerry of ice cream fame. PETA wants us to believe the world would be a better place if Ben and Jerry’s ice cream was made with human breast milk instead of cow’s milk. They believe dairy farms mistreat cows. They feed the dairy cows growth hormones to make them produce more milk than they would naturally. They also keep the cows bred and pregnant to keep the milk coming.

With my steel trap mind I saw problems with that right away. Dairies produce a gazillion gallons of milk from a half gazillion cows every day. All this milk is consumed quickly because everyone knows it won’t last more than a few days before spoiling. Now my first question is, just how many women would it take to supply this nation with enough milk for Ben and Jerry to make its ice cream? A human breast that is producing milk would pump how much milk? Ladies, help me out here. A few ounces a day? If that is anywhere near accurate it would take a whole lot of boobs to make a human dairy.

I’m sure you could find enough men to keep that many women pregnant and producing milk. But after that chore who would take care of that many pregnant women? All you married men with children know what I’m talking about. How many of you have been out in the middle of the night hunting something to satisfy a craving. You don’t dare not go.

And all those pregnant women will produce a lot of kids. The veal industry takes care of that with the cows. And PETA complains of cows being given hormones to increase milk yield. You know these women will have to be compensated for their milk. How long do you think it would be before women were taking hormones for the same reason?

I’m sure I haven’t covered all the down side of PETA’s program. Before they put a lot of time and effort into aggravating dairy farmers they should rethink this foolishness. A lot of people think PETA is an organization of fools. This program proves it.

And that is what it looks like from Tanyard.

2nd Amendment Wisdom:

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. (Waiting for attack) The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.


1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?'
'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

7. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there’s more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, “of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of some one evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all load ed too.'

To which I’ll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank

Some People Will Do Anything to Get Elected!!!!

He Is Missed

Reagan Quotes



'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'

'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'

'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.'

'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'

'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'

'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'

'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'

'I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.'

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'

'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'

'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation under communist rule.'

'Those Who Matter Don't Judge Me....Those Who Judge Me Don't Matter.'

Bullock County Politics

I used to think the State of Louisiana was king in the world of crooked politics. That is until I moved to Bullock County, Alabama. Bullock County is one of the poorest in the state. Some of the locals think it is kept that way because it makes it easier to obtain grants whose funds are pilfered by local politicians.

In every election since I moved here in 2001, there have been complaints about absentee ballots. Apparently somebody made enough noise that Attorney General Troy King confiscated all the absentee ballots from the 2008 primary election to be examined for fraud. The results of that investigation is pending.

The Bullock County Executive Democratic Committee convened to examine the race between Alonza Ellis and Terry Jackson for the Democratic nomination to a county commission seat. Jackson was leading the race until the absentee ballots were counted. But in the end, Perry won. Jackson contested the election and the aforementioned committee found enough evidence of fraud that they overturned the election, giving the nomination to Jackson. Improper absentee ballots were not executed properly. A majority of them were obtained by sitting Commissioner Johnny Adams and people working for his re-election. The committee also took testimony that revealed votes had been paid for.

Everybody is presumed innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. But if guilt is determined somebody needs to do some jail time. But even that is doubtful if a trial is ever held in Bullock County. I can think of two instances where public officials were guilty of misdeeds and the courts allowed the perpetrators to retire and draw their retirement.

The theme of this election season is change and reform. A good strong dose of this would be good for Bullock County.

List of Accomplishments

The following is a complete list of the accomplishments of Barak Hussein Obama during his term as U S Senator:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

So be sure to vote Obama. His legislative accomplishments are so impressive.

AlObama or AlaMama????

It seems the Obama campaign has stolen Alabama. I got a call from the Ass. Mayor of Tanyard complaining of the corruption of the name of our great state. He said the sign over the Dem's campaign office in Montgomery said "AlObama". I Googled AloBama and got over 3200 hits on everything from tee shirts to bumper stickers. There are a lot of people upset about this. I was for a while. But instead of getting mad, I'm getting even. I'll steal the name back. See the following pictures:

AlObama
AlaMama

Biden Ain’t No Palin

I was asked by a reader to comment on Obama’s pick as a VP running mate. That pick was, of course Joe Biden from Connecticut. I admit I don’t know a lot about him and I really don’t care enough to do the research. So let’s talk about what little I do know.

Biden was voted the third most liberal member of Congress by whoever votes on these things. That puts him two notches down from Obama who was voted the most liberal. If I cared enough to research it, I’d probably find that this is the most liberal slate of candidates in the republic’s history.

Also, Biden’s resume shows he is pro choice. Since I refuse to argue abortion in this or any other venue, I’ll just say that Biden, a supposedly devout Catholic, has been forbidden to accept communion by the church.

Biden is also a single father who commutes back and forth from Connecticut on Amtrak rather than live in Washington. I respect the man for this. But it’s a shame the Democrats couldn’t give Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin, the same respect. They questioned her ability to be Vice President and raise her family at the same time. She’s a married mother but Biden, a single parent, was not asked this question. A sexist double standard appears to exist with the Democrats.

That’s really about all I know of Biden. Oh, one other thing. I saw a twenty five year old photo of Biden. He was bald as a bowling ball. He now has a full head of hair. Hair Club for Men maybe? This has absolutely nothing to do with his qualifications but it might mean he has a vain streak in his personality.

There’s my critique of Joe Biden. And that’s the way I see it in the view from Tanyard.

The Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

There Is Hope

Chuckles

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it'd make us even."

All You Need To Know

This............. Or this??????

Sometimes You Gotta Eat Crow

Some time back I wrote a column that explained that I wouldn’t vote for a female politician if there were any male alternatives. John McCain’s choice of a Vice Presidential running mate has made me reassess that position.

The VP candidate of whom I speak is, of course, Sarah Palin, the erstwhile Governor of Alaska. The more I hear about this gal the more I like her. The first thing I heard was that she was the governor of Alaska, a state that I much admire. Then I found out that she won this office from an incumbent Republican. Palin is also Republican. She beat this guy out with an attack on the corrupt Republican “good old boys” network that had flourished in Alaska.

She has gotten my attention by now. Next I found out that she is a lifetime member of the NRA. Her likeability factor went up a notch. It went up a couple more notches when I was told she is a serious hunter. Her favorite meal is moose stew. How good can she get?

She just keeps getting better and better. Her husband is a commercial fisherman and she helped out on his boat before she became involved in politics. She first volunteered for the PTA at her child’s school. That led to a run for a city council seat where she lived. Next was a stint as Mayor. Then she was appointed by the governor to an oil and gas board of some kind. When she found out about corruption on this board she demanded the governor correct the situation. When he refused she resigned from the board and ran against the governor. She beat him like a rug. Since she became governor she has enjoyed an 80% approval rating from the citizens of Alaska.

The next thing that got my attention was her appearance. She’s a babe. Her car carries a bumper sticker that says Alaska—Cool State, Hot Governor. And she has saved Alaska a ton of money. She instituted a tax on the oil companies. When that tax brought in more than expected she wrote every Alaskan a check for something like $2500. The Governor's office also had a fancy jet airplane that she considered a waste of money. She sold the plane on E-bay.

In her acceptance speech she proclaimed herself to be a hockey mom. That’s Alaska’s version of a soccer mom. She proclaims proudly that the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is lipstick. The most profound thing she said was that some politicians (meaning Obama) used change to further their career. But her running mate, John McCain used his career to institute change.

This woman is so likable it’s easy to forget she’s a politician. I would vote for her over John McCain. But since he’s already won the top spot I’ll settle for her standing in at number two. Keep your eye on her. She is a rising star in the world of politics. In fact she’s a redneck’s political dream.

The View From Tanyard Returns

Since I left the Union Springs Herald I have not published a Tanyard column. I wouldn't put it in the paper even if they would print it. A blog such as this is my only option at present. I just have too many politicians and lawyers to irritate to let the column fall by the wayside.

I'll try to publish a new column every Friday. But check here more often as I will publish comments on breaking news when It happens.

You can help by telling your friends where to find The View From Tanyard. The address is www.theviewfromtanyard.blogspot.com.

If there is anything you want addressed just drop me an email at dixieliving@ustconline.net and look for a new column on Friday